Famed sex therapist Dr. Ruth has written a new book to help parents address the uncomfortable subject of their teens becoming sexually active. In this excerpt, Dr. Ruth provides advice on what to expect when your teen is dating for the first time, and how to create an atmosphere for open communication and honesty.

Chapter seven: When your teen starts dating
New parents eagerly await every one of their baby’s “firsts”: first smile, first time he rolls over, her first steps, and so on. Those good feelings at witnessing the child’s progress continue as the baby grows up and goes through various phases — until the baby becomes a teen and the “firsts” have to do with sex. Developing an interest in the opposite sex, or the same sex, is a stage that every human goes through, and of course parents are happy that their children have the sexual desires they’re supposed to have, but let’s face it, this stage also comes with a lot of trepidation. When it comes to cutting the apron strings, dating is a major snip.

Let’s start by analyzing why this is so. Some of it may have to do with your own dating experiences. If you had a few broken hearts or other problems during your dating years, that’s naturally going to make you worry as your offspring enters the world of dating. And then there were the good parts: the kisses, the romance, the sex. For you, they were good, but for your baby? What it means is that your baby is not your baby any more, and so that’s another reason for feeling nervous. And then there can be serious ramifications of dating and sex. What if you hate the young lady your son is dating? What if your daughter’s dating a drug dealer? Or her beau has no manners? Sending your child off into the unknown is a scary proposition.

Sticking with the pack
The best way for young teens to get into dating is to go in groups. There’s much less pressure all around, especially for you. And you should actively encourage them to avoid pairing up as long as possible. But in the end it’s out of your hands, and at some point your teen is going to have a girlfriend or boyfriend. And while that will scare you a little, it will also be a relief, because parents don’t’ want to see their child feeling left out. If most of your teen’s friends are also without a steady date, then it’s fine; but if they all start to form couples, then having your child be the odd man or woman out will also cause you concern.

You might think that you have no impact on how your teens and their friends interact, but that’s not totally true. If you can find ways of facilitating their group get-togethers, that will encourage them to stick together. So if they need a ride to the movies, try to make yourself available. Stock up on snacks so that if they want to hang out in your basement, they feel welcome. If they seem bored, as teens often do, take out some old board games and put them where they can see them. Don’t suggest that they play or they’ll never go near them, but if they’re around, you never know. Make an effort to get to know all of them. Your own teens may cringe at your attempts to speak to their friends, but if you’re not a stranger, the bonds you create will actually help your teens: If their friends feel comfortable in your home, then they’ll be more likely to come around; and when they’re all at your house, at least you know what they’re up to, which is always a relief.

You’re going to have to learn to be a bit tolerant. A group of teens make noise and will usually leave a mess behind. If you come down too hard on your teens, then they’re not going to volunteer your home as much. And if the group is elsewhere, you have no control over the situation whatsoever. No matter how raucous they’re being, don’t just go hide in your bedroom. If the group knows that you’re hiding from them, you won’t have much influence on their behavior. You want to make your presence felt so that no one will decide to light up a joint or raid the liquor cabinet.

A lack of friends
If your teen doesn’t seem to have friends, then that is a problem. Because everyone needs to have friends, it makes your teen vulnerable. If the wrong person comes around, who may be seeking to use your teen rather than really be friends, your teen will never see it coming because she’ll be so glad to have a friend. So you have to get to the bottom of why a child’s social life is way below par. If you can’t figure it out on your own, then send your child for counseling.

Benefits of counseling
I understand why people hesitate to send a child for counseling. As a society, we look down on people who have a “mental illness,” which can include depression, for instance. Rather than risk labeling your child, the temptation is that “she’ll grow out of it.” But psychological issues are just like physical ones in that the later you deal with them, the worse they get and the harder they are to fix. So despite the temptation to hope that the problem is just a passing phase, I strongly suggest that you take action and get professional help if you notice something peculiar in your teen’s behavior. If you’re not sure, then take your teen to see your family doctor. And if your teen brushes off the problem and tells you to mind your own business, don’t listen. If you see signs of trouble, do whatever it takes to get to the source and deal with it.

There are also things you can do yourself. Try to see if you can figure out how to make your teen more appealing. Maybe if your basement had one of those wide-screen TVs, that might act as a lure. Or if your teen had the latest video games hooked up to it. If your teen is overweight and you think that is part of the problem, make a concerted effort to help cut some of those pounds by not buying junk food, signing her up for an exercise class, getting him a bike, or whatever else would be helpful.

While most teens make friends either at school or in the neighborhood, that’s not necessarily the right approach for every teen. If a teen has a particular interest that is not shared by others, he won’t fit in and also won’t make the effort to do so. But such a teen still needs companionship. In cases like that, see if you can help your teen find others who like the same thing. For example, if your daughter loves to act but didn’t make the school drama club or the school doesn’t have one, find out if and there’s a drama group in town, and help her join. If your son likes to cook but his schoolmates think this is too weird, see if you can set him up with some sort of internship at a local restaurant. Even if the people there aren’t his age, they’ll share the same interest; and if he’s serious, it could be a first step toward a career as a chef. Not every kid fits the general mold, and as your kid’s parent, it’s up to you to see where in society your child might fit best and then give him or her a boost to get there. Some teens are very resourceful, while others aren’t, but once you get them headed in the right direction, they’ll soar.

Dating
Eventually, most parents of a teenager will be having to deal with serious dating. And that is going to require another “talk” because no matter how thorough you were the first few times, at this juncture you have to make sure that you dot all your i’s and cross your t’s.

One of the biggest fears parents have with regard to talking about sex is that mentioning birth control and condoms for safer sex implies that they are giving their child the green light to actually engage in sex, so long as the child follows the rules about remaining safe. If the talk is given before the teen has started to date, then the time it will take to find a partner becomes a reassuring buffer zone that allows parents to let the word condom come out of their mouth. But when a teen is already dating, it means that the opportunity for actually having sex is close at hand, so I know that uttering statements about safer sex can cause panic to set in. But trust me, if you really want to feel panic, all you need to do is hear your child use the word pregnant. So this is a case of that noted ounce of prevention.

If your child is still a virgin, then I can guarantee you that the thought of having intercourse is even more scary to him or her than it is to you, and just because you speak about such matters isn’t going to push any teen over the edge. If your child is not a virgin, then it’s definitely worthwhile repeating the safer sex messages. So put aside your fears of causing your teen to have sex by talking about it. It’s much more likely that the opposite will happen. If a teen is hesitating about having sex, being reminded of everything that can go wrong — like a condom falling off — will probably delay matters even more. I’ve said that scare tactics don’t work, and they don’t in the long run, but they certainly can in the short run.

There are other reasons for a teen to delay having sex besides just the dangers. Being in a serious relationship changes your life in many ways. It can certainly affect your studies. It may give you less time to be with your friends. It ties you down so that maybe you want to watch football but your girlfriend wants to go to the mall. If your teen is not already madly in love, in which case your words would fall on deaf ears, let your teen know that being in love has responsibilities. Since teens seem to prefer shirking responsibilities to grabbing them, this line of argument may have some success — not in stopping a teen from dating, but in keeping the relationship from getting too serious.

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