Kids’ playgroups can fuel mama drama

But if another mother is really grating your nerves, should you bolt? Confront her?

“My advice when you don’t agree on a topic is that you should always tell someone their point of view is interesting, that you will seriously consider what they said, and then switch the topic of conversation gently,” says Kay Doyle, 38, a Norfolk, Mass., mom of two who founded the Saturday Club, which runs weekend playgroups aimed at working mothers around Boston. “Getting into a pitched battle in front of preschoolers is never a good idea.”

But sometimes, she says, even someone with good intentions can drop a clunker.

For instance, one mom posted on the parenting Web site YouBeMom about the tactless working mom in her playgroup who, while debating whether or not to leave her job, told a group of stay-at-home moms, “I can’t imagine staying at home and not using my brain.” What followed: “Awkward silence.”

And Ward tells of a playgroup that almost fell apart when one Asian mother called another mom’s bi-racial baby “chinky,” a term intended affectionately but taken as a racial slur by the other dumbstruck moms.

“I always suggest giving someone the benefit of the doubt in those situations,” Doyle says. “Most of the time, they didn’t mean to insult and have no idea what the impact of the comment was. If someone really is out to rattle your cage, just cheerfully suggest to your child that you both go play with something on the other side of the room.”

“Many conflicts result from a lack of understanding,” says Debbie Cole, a regional coordinator for the International MOMS Club, a group for at-home moms with more than 2,000 chapters. “Once people talk, many times it will work itself out.”

Should I stay or should I go?
If someone is causing extreme strife, delegate one tactful person in the group to speak with her about the matter gently.

Joye was once asked to talk to a new member whose laid-back style didn’t fit in. “She came into playgroup, slipped off her shoes, curled up with her feet on the sofa and never prepared her children’s snacks,” Joye says. She also didn’t want to take her turn hosting, a playgroup rule that Joye used to hint that the playgroup wasn’t for her and encourage her to quit. “It was a way for us both to save face, so to speak.”

Of course, if you’re truly miserable, it’s perfectly fine to cut and run. You can always blame a change in schedules or nap time.  But Wallace points out that staying can often be a good life lesson. “Your child is going to go to school with all different kinds of people. The goal is to learn to respect differences in people.”

Melissa Schorr is a Boston-based freelancer who has written for The Wall Street Journal, the Boston Globe Magazine, Reuters Health, Working Mother, Self, GQ and People. She is the author of the young adult novel “Goy Crazy.”

MORE FROM KIDS AND PARENTING

Kids and parenting Section Front

CPSC chief: Agency moved too slowly on crib safety Largest crib recall in U.S. history announced Kids watching hours of TV at home daycare Biggest child-killers: pneumonia and diarrhea 1 formerly conjoined twin talking after surgery FDA panel OKs new kids’ pneumococcal shot Toxic toys? Health group finds high lead levels Sex infections still rising, especially in teens FDA weighs updated kids’ pneumococcal shot Twins joined at head successfully separated Kids and parenting Section Front   Add Kids and parenting headlines to your news reader: