HotmailSex, lies and affairs: 7 myths debunked
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Men sleep around more than women do
Tracey: The real truth is, this one is probably true — but by much less so than you think. Men overestimate, women underestimate. Men consistently report having three times more sex than women do. If that's true there's an awfully busy woman out there! A recent study found women only tend to remember significant lovers, who were part of relationships, forgetting (somewhat conveniently) one-night-stands or holiday flings. The real total of how many men women have really slept with, this researcher suggested, was about three times more than women say or think. Which works out, funnily enough, to make both sexes dead even.
It's also totally dependent on how attractive the people in question are. A good-looking, sexually liberated woman is likely to have had more partners than a not-so-fab looking guy around the same age, for instance. It's called opportunity.
Ian: Heterosexual women are more likely than their male counterparts to contract an STD, so this may be one factor in why a woman's "number" generally tends to be lower than a guy's. But also, guys get freaked out if they know that a woman has had more partners than they have, so most women tend to approach the whole conversation about their "number" with greater caution. Also, for all our viewings of “Sex and the City,” some traditional gender stereotypes still get applied to the sexes: A guy who pursues lots of partners is just being a guy, whereas a woman often gets labeled promiscuous. In general, in my conversations with men and women I find that both sexes are starting to rebel against the pressures to have casual sex by holding out and being more discerning. Let's also remember that sleeping around doesn't just apply to single people, and that rates of female infidelity are fast catching up with the guys.
You shouldn't have to plan sex — it should be spontaneous or something's wrong
Tracey: God help your partner if you believe this one. Desire might well tap you on the shoulder in the early stages of a relationship, but the hormones that fuel the tapping disappear after about 18 months. Well, if you're lucky actually — plenty of couples find desire lowers dramatically after about nine months. Don't panic — it doesn't mean you'll never desire each other again. It just means that you need to keep reminding your body and brain how much you enjoy sex. Spontaneous sex is usually good sex. But planning a sex session — anticipating it, looking forward to it — this makes for pretty good sex as well. Both can be equally rewarding.
Anyone who expects to be spontaneously turned on by their partner 10 years and two kids in, really is kidding themselves. The human nervous system is programmed to become desensitized the more of the same stimulation it gets. Considering most of us have sex in exactly the same way and it's with the same person, it's no wonder we have to put a bit of thought into it to keep sex good.
Ian: There's definitely value in scheduling sex, and doing it just to do it. But if you're already in a rut, it's likely this scheduled activity may just add to the pressure. Instead of scheduling sex, try finding lots of small pockets of time to connect and engage. Think of these moments as quickies without the pressure to have a sex: have a kissing quickie, a touching quickie, a cuddle quickie, even a talking quickie. By having lots of little intimate interactions, you'll build a bank account of "transferable desire" and you won't have to schedule sex.
If my partner had an affair, it means he or she doesn't love me
Tracey: Wrong again. It doesn't necessarily mean your partner doesn't love you — but it does mean he or she doesn't respect you if you had agreed to be monogamous. While some affairs do mean something is missing from your relationship, a lot of affairs are just about sex. A certain kind of sex. Sex on the sly, a bit on the side — even the names give it away that it's the affair that's the turn-on, not the person. Most research shows the minute an affair is out in the open, it fizzles out fast. It's the secrecy which makes the affair exciting, not the person.
If you're the type of person whose moral values mean you don't see extramarital sex as something wrong, you could easily have affairs and still love your partner.
Ian: Sexual attraction isn't always just about love. It's about passion, unpredictability and spontaneity — qualities that are hard to maintain in a long-term relationship, but that can be found quickly through infidelity. I can't tell you how many men and women I meet who had an affair, left their spouses, married the person they were cheating with and then got bored and had the very same issue all over again. We have to understand that love and sexual attraction do not necessarily go together, and sometimes work against each other. In the end, human beings require newness, novelty, intellectual and emotional engagement. That's what fuels the expansion and development of a relationship and when those qualities start to wane people start to think about how to get it elsewhere. When it comes to thinking about sex, throw the idea of love out the window and focus on the qualities that can really get your sex life (and your relationship) back on track.
Men are always ready for and want sex.
Tracey: If you're talking about a 17-year-old who's just landed his first girlfriend, you're quite right. It's likely he will walk, talk, daydream and want to have sex every waking second (and when he's asleep as well). But once a man hits his mid-20s (and often before), other parts of his life start to become equally as important and all that energy and focus is needed elsewhere. Real life dampens a lot of men's sex drives more efficiently than a bucket of water poured over a solitary lit match. Work, stress, pressure, bills, arguments — they all stop him (and you!) feeling like sex, all day, every day. He's not like your vibrator — you can't just plug him in and expect him to perform on cue. This is why we own vibrators. There is a man attached to that penis.
Ian: Hold on, Tracey! As a guy who's teenage years and 20s are long behind him, I'm not ready to throw my sex life out with the bathwater — at the heart of feeling sexual is being happy, healthy and engaged with life. Not only do I believe in monogamy, I believe that men and women remain sexual until the day they die. Maybe the parts start to get a little creaky, but the mind remains ready for action. And when you consider that the brain really is our biggest sex organ, age becomes less important. There are lots of dampers to desire: stress, poor health, boredom — but if you focus on removing those obstacles, you'll find that wanting and being ready for sex is a natural healthy state.
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