Sex, lies and affairs: 7 myths debunked

These days, sex is no longer a taboo subject. But still, misconceptions about sex persist, often causing unecessary misunderstandings in relationships. Time to clear things up! Ian Kerner, author of several books including “She Comes First,” and iVillage sex expert Tracey Cox, duke out 7 of the most common sex myths.

Men want more sex than women do
Tracey: Wrong. The reason why men tend to be the ones hopefully prodding their penises into our determinedly turned backs, isn't just only desire. Other factors have a big influence. Like we're still more likely to do the housework on top of holding down a job: result — we're exhausted. Hormones mean we feel like having lots of sex at a particular time, rather than all of the time, and because we tend to attach more emotions to sex than men do, we aren't going to be begging him for a legover if he's been giving us lip.

Ian: The idea that men want sex more than woman is absolutely a myth. As a sex therapist, the main issue I work on is mismatched libido, and believe it or not I meet way more sex-starved wives than husbands. In fact, a recent study in the British publication the “New Scientists” has revealed that married men have lower levels of testosterone than single men of the same age. So while I certainly wouldn't say that men want sex more than women, I would say that men are often able to get aroused more quickly and sexually ready than women. For women, a sexy thought or a sexy image doesn't always translate into desire, but for men the process often happens more quickly.

If you're truly a great lover, you should know how to please anyone
Tracey: It's extremely likely that someone who knows a lot about sex and has had lots of practice is going to be better in bed than an inexperienced virgin. Technically, that is. If that inexperienced virgin is someone you're desperately in lust/love with, has the body of a sex god and a tongue that's double-jointed, it might be the best sex you've ever had. It's as much do to with perception and the brain than it is technique and the genitals.

If there's one quality a truly great lover would have (along with good technique an exemplary communication of course) it's the ability to treat every single partner as an individual. What works for Michael might not work for Mark.

Ian: I would generally agree, but I would say that from the first kiss to the final cuddle a little experience goes a long way. I lecture at a lot of universities, and I meet a lot of guys who don't have even a basic understanding of female anatomy. (They know more about what's under the hood of a car than the hood of a clitoris.) Too many guys get their ideas about how to satisfy a woman from porn or tall tales from the locker room. Great sex and valuable experience comes from the ability to communicate and a willingness to always be learning. Great sex is also part of a process of being able to lose yourself in the experience, let go of anxiety and really dedicate yourself to giving and receiving.

Happy couples have good sex most of the time
Tracey: Show me a couple who is having out-of-control, raging, lusty sex every night after years of sharing the same bed and I'll show you a couple with very big noses. Aka Pinocchio. It's possible, sure, but you'd be flat-out holding down a job with the amount of energy it would take to sustain it. Life and all its pressures get in the way of all of us. What's realistic to aim for is this — out of every 10 times you have sex, six will be satisfactory, two will be fantastic — and two will be not so great. Why are the not-so-great ones important? Because that means you're trying new things which sometimes don't work out — or having sex when one of you isn't necessarily climbing the walls. Which occasionally is not a bad thing.

So, does it mean your friend is lying if she claims that she's having fabulous sex after five years of marriage and two kids? Well, she may think you have a great sex life and doesn't want to admit she doesn't. Or her definition of great sex is different than yours. Or she really does have terrific sex — once a month. It's all subjective.

Ian: Agreed. Good sex is in the mind of the beholder. In my experience, there are often two sexual types: "thrill-seekers" and "creatures of habit." The former always wants more, more, more, and new and different experiments. The creatures of habit likes things the way they are: in a bed for example, a few reliable moves that lead to mutual satisfaction. The best relationships are when thrill-seekers are paired with thrill seekers and creatures of habit are paired with creatures of habit. It helps when you're both generally at the same end of the spectrum. Not to say that a little difference doesn't make for a healthy sex life, but bigger problems emerge when your general idea and experience of good sex is different than your partner's.

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