Your child's firsts: Is he or she ready? Are you?

Dr. Ruth Peters TODAY contributor • Profile • E-mail

Change is scary, especially when it involves your children. There’s a first time for just about everything, but as many seasoned parents will note, they wish that some of these “first times” could be postponed until a later date!

As children’s bodies change and mature, hormones kick in, and social pressures abound, our kids tend to have one thing in common — wanting to stretch the previously safe, agreed-upon boundaries and add all kinds of activities to their repertoire of desires and needs. Your fifth-grader probably loves to shop with you at the mall, but your 16-year-old would most likely prefer to go with her friends. Family movies were cool when your son was younger, but now as a ninth-grader he’s pleading to be dropped off, of course without your scoping out the situation, and to link up with his buddies at the show. 

What’s a parent to do?
Well, start with trying to be smart by picking your battles. Listen to your child to understand where he or she is coming from, be ready to grow the rules with the kid, and know what your limits are and stick to them. Also, discuss with your child how trustworthiness and usage of common sense are extremely important attributes when considering the independence-seeking that he or she is engaged in. I’ve found with my own two kids, as well as with many of the families that I work with in my clinical practice, that compromise and consistency are key parental behaviors. Now, let’s take a look at some of the most common, and perhaps anxiety-producing, firsts for our kids:

Going to the mall or movies without you:
Okay, your son or daughter has asked to go to either the mall or movies, and of course it’s without you tagging along. Often children as young as 12 or 13 ask for this privilege as they see many of their peers dropped off and picked up by their folks without Mom or Dad participating. The primary focus should be safety. Face it, your kid really doesn’t need you sitting next to him at the movies — you probably do though, as you may miss the bonding experience, actually want to see the show, or are afraid of either someone hurting your child or the kid leaving the movie to go off with his friends. Often parents feel better about the movie or mall trip with the group when these occur during the afternoon or early evening, and only allow night outings when the child is in high school.

When considering these outings, make sure that your kid is running with the pack when allowed at the movies or mall without you. There is safety in numbers but your child needs to promise (and stick to his word) to stay with the group and to not take off on his own to visit another store or to leave the movie theater. Trust is essential and if your kid has a history of impulsive or irresponsible behavior you may want to say no to such requests until he has proven himself to be dependable. If it makes you feel better, have him or her carry a cell phone, with the rule that they must answer it when you call. And, be sure that he’s aware of when and where he’ll be picked up and stress that he needs to be on time so that you’re not worried. If another parent is doing the driving, double check that your child will be brought home at the expected time.

Attending a boy-girl party:
Although your daughter has probably attended many parties in her grade and early middle school years where boys were in attendance, it’s a whole different animal when it comes to adolescent bashes. Often the party-giver’s parents are either not at home or they’ve taken up residence in their bedroom to avoid the crowd. It’s possible that someone will appear with beer or a bottle of liquor, or perhaps even marijuana. Kids who are driving cars come and go, and even with parents trying to supervise, things can quickly get out of hand when a bunch of kids get together on a Friday night. Now, this doesn’t mean that your child will engage in any of this behavior, but it’s a scary thought just knowing that she could be around other kids’ misbehavior without your guidance.

First, let her know that her first co-ed party is a big responsibility for her, and possibly an anxiety-producing event for you. You don’t want to make her feel guilty for attending, but some rules do have to be set in stone. Again, trust is critical. Mandate that she is not to engage in any substance use and must stay at the party and not leave the premises without your knowledge and permission. Make it clear that this is not open to debate. No chance, no way, nada. If she’s not willing to agree to these bottom-line terms, or you can’t trust her word, then she doesn’t go. Also, it’s imperative that you contact the parents to make sure that they will be on site and to find out how they plan to keep the kids inside and safe. If you don’t feel comfortable with their answers, your child doesn’t attend.

Getting a cell phone:
The age that a child receives their first cell phone depends upon the parents’ needs, the individual child’s wishes as well as their maturity and responsibility. The 10-year-old with good judgment may very well enjoy having a cell phone to use to call home while at their buddy’s house and to occasionally chat with friends, but in an appropriate manner. An immature, irresponsible 12-year-old may not be ready for their own phone — either misplacing it frequently, lending it to friends, going above the allotted number of minutes or making inappropriate calls (in school, gossiping about others). Kids who are not mature enough to have their own phones should not have them — they can borrow Mom or Dad’s phone for select usage when it’s helpful for the parent to keep in touch. And, please let your pre-teen and teens know that you’ll only be paying “so much” for the phone, if they just have to have the latest and greatest, then the bucks come from their piggy bank, not yours. And, although cell phones tend to be fashion statements, try to keep it in perspective. Does your 13-year-old daughter really need one adorned with rhinestones? Probably not, and it may not sit well with her friends’ parents who may consider it excessive and indicative of entitlement.

I like to view the cell phone as an electronic leash of sorts. It’s a great way to keep communication easy and open between kids on the go and their folks, and leaves no excuse for not getting parental permission if the evening’s plans need to change. If your child does not have their own phone, you may wish to consider lending them yours for evenings out. But, there need to be clear rules about the care and usage of the cell phone. The issues to be considered are whether the phone is to be used solely to call home or whether your son or daughter can use it to communicate with friends, who will pay for excess usage (a good way to spend baby sitting money!), and whether or not it can be turned off, lent to friends or taken to school. If your teen has their own phone but tends to rack up the minutes, consider purchasing a pre-paid plan with a reasonable monthly fee for a set amount of minutes. Kids get real good, real quick when it comes to rationing out chat time when they know that the meter is running! Cell phones are privileges, making everyone’s life a bit easier. But, they can be suspended or removed if behavior is inappropriate.

There are two things to note when considering giving your child permission to have a cell phone. First, the main reasons for letting your child use a cell phone are safety (ability to call home when frightened, missed the bus to school, feeling uncomfortable with what friends are doing), as well as ease of communication between child and parent. Notice that I didn’t mention fun and communication between your child and her buddies. Sure, that’s paramount on her mind, and it’s cool to have your own latest and great technology to be able to text message and take photos. But, primarily the child’s cell phone usage should help you, as the parent, keep better tabs on the kid as well as to keep you in the driver’s seat when it comes to knowing where she is. Secondly, all kids who use cell phones need to be aware of the potential dangers involved. As technology expands so do the possibilities for misuse. This may take the form of someone else hacking into your child’s system (she is on a “wireless” technology), a friend “borrowing” and misusing the phone to make indiscreet calls, or downloading expensive and/or inappropriate material (ring tones, pornographic materials, etc.). So, to be a better-prepared parent, all kids (just getting their first cell phone as well as those who are pro’s at using them) should read about the dangers and rules of usage on an appropriate website such as:

www.att.com/smartlimits

http://www.verizonwireless.com/b2c/splash/chaperone/splash.jsp

http://support.t-mobile.com/knowbase/root/public/tm23351.htm#top

In addition, folks can learn from these sites what parental controls are free, available, and easy to install. I suggest using a cell carrier that offers “tamper block” features. This allows the parent to block select incoming or outgoing calls to that phone, install “quiet time” so that calls after a certain time of night do not ring but messages go directly through to voice mail, and that the phone can be turned off during school hours if the parent deems that to be appropriate. And, with the tamper block feature, the parent holds the pin code so the child cannot change the settings. Pretty neat, huh?

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